LIVING WITH DEPRESSION

I've been vocal about depression in this blog of mine since I started it, I have been vocal about it in social media like Twitter, Instagram, and such, and I've tried to tell my parents about depression. Depression for me is like a burden. When you get depression, you don't just get depression, it usually comes with a lot of stuff like anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and the feeling of worthlessness. I've tried opening up to my parents about my depression since March, but instead of comforting me they told me that 'I had no reason to be depressed about'. Those words coming out of a psychology major is not something I would have foresaw, when I read about depression articles in the internet they always make sure to include that depression and being depressed is two different things, but somehow people are still not getting the message.

I've been in a constant cycle of depression since I was 14. I was really young and I didn't like it. I tried getting help from my friends but they told I was being dramatic. At first, I thought I was just anxious, because I'm an introvert, but I've realized that it wasn't just anxiety, it was depression. I've always had too many sleeping sessions when I was in 8th grade, not wanting to take a photo afraid of being judged, overthinking all of the small stuff, is not easy. It tires me so much, that it literally drains the life out of me. It got worse when I was 15, I was betrayed by the people I called my friends, my parents aren't even a bit sensitive about my mental state and called my introvert-ish actions as 'immature' and 'aging backwards'. It's not like that! I did not choose this life! I didn't want this life! I want to be happy, I want to smile genuinely and not feel guilt, I want to be happy for once, and yet people still call my depression as if it was the flu! 

By the time I'm in 10th grade I felt the lowest in my life, I felt satisfaction from cutting, cutting would be the only way for me to feel connected to the real world, without cutting it was nothing but a blur. By this time, I've had enough, articles online and my guidance counselor always tells me to just ask for help when I need it, so I asked for help. I asked my mother for help but she disregarded as a mental illness and called it an emotion; furthermore, she made my worries and my problems small and told me that other people have it far worse than I have. I showed her my scars, my self-harm scars and she got angry and told me she's going to slap in the butt with a belt if I keep on doing it to myself instead of supporting me.

Now, I'm in 11th grade and just when I thought that it could not be any worse, it did. I became suicidal and I became more pessimistic. I forgot to love myself and cherish myself. I thought of my body as garbage that needs to be taken out of. Everything around me became nothing but a distraction to avoid my self-imposed demise; not a day goes by without me thinking of killing myself, not a day goes by with me feeling nothing but emptiness and the inability to feel emotions, not a day goes by where I dread going out of bed, not a day goes by where I don't at least try to cry. It's hard living with depression, it's hard, but what's harder is that I can't ask anyone for help because I no longer have the ability to trust anyone, depression took it away from me.

I'm writing this to let others know that there are others who experience the same pain that you do, but like the others we don't know what to do about it as well.


[edit 10/12/17:I just created a Facebook page, make sure you like it!!!]