CUTTING

I used to have a cutting addiction in March and the symptoms are starting to be present again. Let me tell you the story of what happened before.

It was March and my our asshole of a teacher made us do an internship regardless of our age of 15 years old and 10th Grade status. It's the worst. But what happened next was more worse. Anyways, my teacher made us do a manual that shows what we did in our internship. We had to do reports, time checks, pictures, and printing, after all of that we had to get it bind and it had to be engraved with a certain format. The problem is, is that our teacher didn't give the format to my class Bookkeeping, and the others asked their friends from different sections for the format. I did not do that because I'm a Type A person, and I wanted it to be finished quickly, in 2 days I finished typing all of that useless piece of crap and I had it bind without the certain format. My first page and the engraving in my cover page was so different from the entire batch, that my teacher told me that she has to give me a 75% in my report card (that manual was our grade in the entire semester), that messed me up. She told me this during Lunch break. Instead of feeling angry or sad or any of the emotions you associate with remorse and guilt, I felt empty. Very empty to the fact that I felt numb and all the pinching and slaps my seatmate gave me were not making me feel a thing.

After lunch time, Math time came (the subject I hate the most) and there was a very long quiz. Since I was very empty during that time I could not be bothered with a test and I wanted to excuse myself and say I'm not feeling better, but I didn't do it since I'm a coward. After I finished answering all the equations I can solve, I started staring into nothingness and everything felt black. I took my scissors from my backpack and I tried cutting myself. It was very effective and very sharp. The moment I cut myself, all the emotions of happiness and joy came back and I did it again 5 more times until I saw my whole arm bleeding. Of course I cleaned the mess, but my seatmate didn't notice and thought I was only cutting a piece of paper to cut time. After Math time ended (thank god), I showed it to my friends and one suggested that I should have cut my arteries to die (thank you for your counsel). One friend shower support and got angry at me and told me to always go to her when I have a problem and such, and that felt nice. Other people soon noticed the marks and the asked me a thousand times what's wrong, and I did not answer them.

I went home at 8 in the evening (I went to the gym), and I went straight to my parent's bedroom and asked to speak to my mother alone, and I told her all of my problems. At that point, I cried and she cried, and I felt happy (I thought my depression went away but it didn't, it just remained stagnant) [edit 10/12/17 she told me I had no reason to be 'depressed about' the fuck? being depressed and having depression are two different things!]. and then I stopped doing it after 5 days. The scars faded because I applied Vaseline on it because moisture helps you heal scars. 

{At that time, I think I was happy but now that I think about it, why does she has to say that other people have it worse than me and that I have no reason to be depressed because I'm a teenager, what the actual fudge?!? That's not how you console a depressed person in the verge of suicide. I know other people have it worse, but I have my problems as well, they might not be as big as theirs but its enough for me to put my life in danger, does that not concern you as a mother or as a psychology major???}

This is what happened before. Now, this is what happened now:

During our Personal Development class, our professor told us to write all of the things that stresses you out the most and I put a lot of confidential stuff like me being fat, ugly, dumb, and Game of Thrones. And then I put on how I relieve my stress, and after I wrote K-Pop I got nothing else to write so I wrote "self-harm" [Btw, since that incident in Science, I have been sleeping in so late and I went to my guidance counselor and she told me that my depression has worsen, you need to know this for the succeeding parts of the story], I passed it to her and she smiled in a sad way and told me that the two of us should talk soon.

After I passed the paper to her, I realized, I am such a piece of crap and that I should hurt myself for not doing anything to become a functional human being, so I cut myself in the class. [The picture above are the cuts that I took in class, there has been 6 more cuts added to my arm] I showed the cuts to my "friend" Bern and she disregarded me and told me to mind my own problems, I showed the cuts to the friend I showed it to in March-the one that got angry at me, and she told me to stop it, she even went joking and told me I should just kill myself (I wish, but death is expensive and we are kind of broke right now).

So that's it, that's my story. I keep on adding the cuts and I feel so happy, I just hope that it doesn't go out of proportion where I need to wear long sleeves for both of my arms.

That's all, thank you for reading!



[edit 10/12/17:I just created a Facebook page, make sure you like it!!!]