IT HURTS

I'm tired, I'm very tired. 

My whole life I have done nothing but cower in fear and cry when people hurt me. I'm tired of being hurt; I'm tired of being the one on the receiving end of all that anger and frustration built by the people I love; I'm tired of getting betrayal in exchange of my loyalty. Why the hell is the world like this? Is this the trend of the century? Hurt the ones that love you and love the ones that hurt you? Who the hell makes these rules? And why do people follow them? Why do my friends follow them?

I'm a student in Senior High School, my name is Gelo and throughout my entire high school life my "friends" have done nothing but drain my soul out of the vessel I call my body. You might be confused, let me tell you what happened:

It happened in ninth grade, I was good friends with this group of people until 8 months later one of their friends was throwing a hissy fit, she told me that they created a council full of people that hated me, people that I love and cherish. I should not get surprised by this, I'm not friendly but I'm aware of my surroundings, my mental illness makes sure of that, but what shocked me the most is that I was going through the hardest time of my life, I've been open about it to them and they threw it aside and kicked me as if I'm their sick pet or their sidekick. After all of that confession, I got angry, so angry. I cried, I threw my books in the air, I cut myself, and I even wrote a suicide note and attempted to kill myself, all because of that one betrayal. That's when it hit me. Why do I have to be the one who loses his life? Why do I have to be the one that dies? I'm innocent, this isn't karma, I never did this to anyone, I'm not the one who needs to die. They're the ones who should die.

All of that crazy talk got out of my head after I vent my anger in Twitter and Facebook, only a few people apologized after I saw their crime in action, others ridiculed my reaction even though I'm not the one at fault. Crazy. These obnoxious group of people are the ones I attempted to be friends with, the ones I'm so desperate to hang out with. I started a war with a group full of people, it was 1 vs 10 and I was not in the winning side. The war ended, but the damage was done. Some said sorry, some didn't, but it didn't matter, they're all the same. I'm a demented person, I agree with that, and along with my demented personality is my demented thoughts, the same thoughts that wants to torture them, make them cry, and make them die thru a slow painful death, a death they will cry about in the afterlife.

The commotion happened in the weekend, Monday came then it disappeared in my head-the thoughts, not the pain. A year later I become friends with them again, but trusting them is not something I'd risk, I'd rather let my wound be infected with bacteria, my lungs filled with anthrax rather than trust them, it's like a broken mirror, saying sorry doesn't fix it, letting time pass by doesn't fix it, and you can fix it but it will never return back to normal.

A year passed and the same thing happened, not to the extreme. It happened again with most of the same people, with some not present and some new faces there. I was blinded by my love and loyalty to my kin, that there I was pulling my own string in my own guillotine being watched by the same people who would love to see me killed. Enough is enough, I don't always have to be the one who get hurt, I can reciprocate their act of "generosity" and be the one who can make them suffer.

I went home, rushing to my room and opened my old notebook from ninth grade and saw the idea that I plan to execute when I first felt this heartbreak-no, heartbreak is too light of a term. This notebook is full of ideas, ideas that can hurt them. At this point hurting them is no longer a choice, its no longer an option, but a task. I have to hurt them badly and not by damaging their morality or making them cry, I want them to plead for my forgiveness and their lives.


[edit 10/12/17:I just created a Facebook page, make sure you like it!!!]


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