PEEPING TOM (being peeped on by a guy i just met)

Hey guys!!! This is a story of when someone saw my penis and until to this day it has traumatized me and because of that I've never been able to use a urinal. This is what I wrote last 3 months ago:

In May 5, 2017
Yesterday was the third day of my summer job-after weeks of going back and forth to the recruitment office, I've finally landed on a solid job. My job is being a staff in a Sports Development office in the city hall (which is too much of a coincidence considering my previous internship is at the Sports Development office in my school). I was supposed to write yesterday how happy I was to bond with new people, and how departing from my office mates after a session with them for a summer is sad, but after the peeping tom experienced I decided to discard writing the previous post. You could say that this post is like a new rendition of the previous post I was supposed to post in this blog.

We didn't had a lot of things to do yesterday in the office, and we decided it would be best to get to know each other with Truth or Dare (we decide on the victim by spinning a bottle). I put on lipstick on my lips and I answered some deep questions about my family and about my personality, but I didn't care. It was the third day and I wanted to connect with these people. These people did the same anyways when I ask them questions about their personality or their family.

Me, Mikel, Kate, Mary, Nicole, Jacquelyn, Phil, and Jhunter (you would see later why its necessary to tell you their names) are having a great time, after a few dares and a few truths. They decided it was time to stop playing Truth or Dare and start playing Truth or Truth, it was a small office and we were cramped in the pantry, there was too little dares to do in there, so I agreed. Things started to become a little personal, they asked me questions about my sexual orientation, my sex experiences, how big is my penis, and how I can sometimes hate my parents. Like a fool, like a person diagnosed with anxiety and depression I answered all of them, fearing that I won't be their friend if I don't. That's where my self-respect plummeted.

They asked me about how big my penis is, to make it appropriate to this blog I won't tell you the answer, but they laughed seeing the size of my body, and questioning how it was even possible for me to have a penis that size. I wasn't lying about the size, I am 101 kg heavy, why would I need to lie about my body, if you don't believe then don't, that's not my loss.

After some few more truths, it was time to get this over. A staff member went inside the pantry and instructed us boys (Phil, Mikel, me, and Jhunter) to go to the gym and help set the mat needed for the sports clinic to be used on Tuesday. I excused myself, I told them, I'll go there after peeing. 

I don't pee in urinals, I'm too afraid someone will take a peak on my penis and make fun of it, but I felt like my bladder was about to explode, so I peed in a urinal. I was minding my business, my mind barely in the world, and thinking how happy I was in this office. But suddenly Mikel came up to me and said "Yes Gian, it's so obvious you aren't lying" sensing the sarcasm in his tone and how the other 2 boys went up to me and take a look, I pulled my taekwondo pants up and restrained myself. It took my whole willpower to not kick them in the head and not kill them. I now had to wait for a stall.

At that moment, the 3 boys were making jokes and I was so flustered, embarrassed, and angry, my head went black, and my eyes went red. I wanted to kick them so bad, my taekwondo pants would not prevent me to do it. I started stretching and kicked the air with a head kick to see if I lost my mojo. I haven't lost my mojo, I was about to kick Mikel's ribs, but the stall I was waiting for went empty and I had to continue my paused pee.

I had to distance myself to them from all the way to the gym, I started writing this blog on my notepad, but I wasn't able to save it, so I am writing it now again from scratch. When we went back to the office, I still kept my quiet and didn't bother talking to anyone in the office. This is all their fault in the beginning.

This is an eye opener to me. I didn't knew that those raised from the slums in my country was this wild. I am now regretting that I always ate for the past 10 years and not watch my weight. I started getting comments about my weight in 2nd grade, stopped being affected by them in 7th grade, got diagnosed with depression in 8th grade and felt conscious about my body image in 8th grade as well. All those memories came back to me again, and it took my whole being to not cry.

I want to lose weight. I really do, and I will. 

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Thank you for reading a 3 months old post you guys, umm, this story is still affecting my life in a bad way, I'm still insecure about my weight, I'm insecure about a lot of stuff, and seeing my capability of trusting a person, this story plus all of the miseries in my entire life deteriorated my trust to other people, that I have told myself to no longer trust anyone (besides family of course). I told myself that it's better to be by myself and everyone is just a waste of space and that trusting someone might be the end of you.



[edit 10/12/17:I just created a Facebook page, make sure you like it!!!]